And We Smiled
by Xaviera Xylira
Summary: Lily is sarcastic. She's not a rebel without a cause. She's not unpopular. She's not suicidal. She's not an ice queen or a geek or Miss Britney Spears of Hogwarts. She's Lily Evans, she's head girl, and she's very much alone.


A/N: One more l/j fic to add to the bundle. It's a bit different, I think. Just a bit. The romance comes, eventually. I tried not to rush it. This is a one-time fic, no chapters, not continuing, etc. Oh, and all mistakes are Snowlilys' fault, she beta-ed this. And not to worry, all of you who read A REMUS STORY, I'm... er.... working on it. Yeah. That's right. I'm working on it. 

Disclaimer: It's not mine. 

~*~

"I just don't understand this, Lily. You have so much to be happy for...."

Oh, really. Happy, huh? Well, of _course_ I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be happy? I'm head girl, I've got a sweet boyfriend, a loving family, and great friends.

And, oh yes, my life is a living hell. 

What more could a girl want?

Oh, but what about all the things I just said I had? Well, fine. Let's go over them, shall we? One: I'm head girl. Well, big whoop-dee-doo to that. It's not like I'm the first head girl of Hogwarts. 

Two: Sweet boyfriend. Oh, yeah. He's _real_ sweet. So sweet, in fact, that he had one of his Hufflepuff buddies come up to me in the hallway to say that we're over. Well, thank you Mr. Macmillan for being just so very _sweet_. 

Three: A loving family. Uh-huh. Loving. Yeah, that's _definitely_ the word. I mean, aside from the fact that my parents are _dead_ and my sister won't even speak to me because she believes it's my fault, my family is extremely loving. 

Four: Great friends. ....Define friends. If your definition is something like "People that come up to you for help with their homework and then pretend they don't know your name the next day," then yeah, I'm friends with the entire student body. 

Fabulous. 

But I didn't say that. I would never say that. Especially not to a teacher, not unless I wanted a complimentary visit to Saint Mungo's. So I just nodded my head, just like they wanted me to. 

"Lily, is there something wrong, dear? Because the entire staff has noticed your... well, your tendency to exclude yourself from other students." Dear? Since when did Professor McGonagall call people "dear"? I shook my head in answer to her question. McGonagall sighed and look imploringly at Professor Dumbledore, who all the while had been peering at me over his spectacles, sitting at his desk. Well, would she rather have had me nod and tell her that I _was_ in a rather uncomfortable state of affairs? I don't even know why they called me up here to begin with. Who cares if I have a "tendency to exclude myself from other students"? It's not like I'm failing a class or anything. And what's so wrong with a little solitude? Just because---

"....Lily, we're worried about you, that's all," McGonagall tried again. Well, that's just bloody fine. Worry away. I don't care. What does she want me to say? Yes, I have problems, no, I'm not happy with my life right now, yes, I'm overjoyed to know that you noticed my misery because I was obviously begging for someone to point out to me how pathetic I look? Well, sorry, but no. I nodded instead. 

Professor McGonagall didn't like it when I nodded and shook my head like that. She narrowed her eyes at me and sighed again. I knew she wanted me to speak, to let her know I wasn't dead. Well, tough luck, Professor. I _am_ dead. 

Dumbledore stood up and walked over to me. He bent down to my eye level (I was sitting in a chair) and fixed me with one of his penetrating stares. I shifted uncomfortably, but held his gaze. If I looked away, he'd know.

After a few moments (only they seemed more like hours--- long, tedious, _painful_ hours), he straightened, nodding slowly, slightly. I got the feeling that he knew anyway. 

"All things happen in life for a reason, Lily," he began softly. "There is never just one side to anything. What may appear wretched on the outside could be quite lovely on the inside, and things that project the image of beauty may not be so underneath the image. Remember that blessings come in all shapes and forms, and that no matter how utterly hopeless a situation may seem at a time, there is always a chance for a turning point, but it all starts with a little faith. You may go now." I nodded once more and stood up, walking dazedly to the door. I turned before exiting. 

"Thank you, professors." 

~*~

I walked in a trance up to Gryffindor Tower, not really noticing where my feet were taking me. I wasn't really noticing anything. I was thinking of what Dumbledore had told me. He wanted me to have faith. 

Faith was something I hadn't possessed in a long time. I used to have a lot of faith in my parents. They're dead. Lord Voldemort killed them in my fifth year. I never took him as a serious threat until then. 

I used to have friends, the girls in my year, in Gryffindor. They're nice girls. Actually, when I started breaking away from all other human contact back at the end of my fifth year, I was half-hoping they'd be there to pull me out, take me under their wings, comfort me. I was sure they'd do _something_, I was their friend, they wouldn't just let me go....

They didn't even try. 

So I figure, if they don't really care about me, I shouldn't bother. It sure doesn't take much to find out who your true friends are anymore, does it? 

I bumped into someone and fell on the stairs. Well, that's what I get for day-dreaming. I started to stand.

"Owww..." said a voice I was vaguely familiar with. I felt a hand on my arm, helping me up. "Are you all right, um...." I looked up and met the face of James Potter. "Lily? I'm sorry, I didn't see you...." _No one ever does._

I had always been on pretty good terms with James. He was head boy, so we worked together at times. But it's not like we'd ever had an actual conversation. It was the occasional "Hi, how are you? I'm fine, thanks. See you later." type of thing. 

"Oh no, my fault, sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going." James flashed me a grin and I managed a small smile before continuing on my way. 

I went up to my dorm room, relieved to see that none of the other girls were there. I prefer being alone to surrounded by swarms of giggling maniacs. True, they usually left me alone anyway, but they still made noise. I threw myself down on my bed and drew the hangings around me, not bothering to change into any night clothes, and promptly fell asleep. 

~*~

Arithmancy class is one of my favorite classes. It's all solid fact, numbers and figures and truth. No estimating, no waving wands and praying a spell won't backfire, no chants to mispronounce, no adding too many ingredients to a combustible potion; just steady, wholesome fact. There are no chances in arithmancy. There are no changes. It's all perfectly predictable. 

I shoved my books into my bag as class ended and walked to the Great Hall for lunch, taking my usual seat at the end of the table. I looked towards the teacher's table and met the eyes of McGonagall, sighing mentally. Ever since that little "meeting" a week ago, she'd been keeping her cat-like eyes on me. Can't see why, really. It's not like I'm suicidal. Sure, a little depressed maybe, a little bitter maybe, but I have my reasons. It's not as though I'm going to snap any minute and Avada myself. 

"Lillers, Lillers DAH-ling!" rang a voice I knew all too well. Sirius Black, one of James' friends, plopped himself in front of me. I eyed him testily. Last time Sirius had spoken to me I'd ended up with flobberworms crawling around my food. I'd deducted points for that one (one of the perks of being a prefect, that little point-deduction rule). 

"What is it, Sirius?" I asked warily. He blinked. 

"Nothing, Lillers, just wanting to say 'Good afternoon!'" He smiled innocently. Maybe I _should_ Avada myself....

"That's nice. You've said it. You can leave now." Sirius faked a wounded look, and I saw James and his two other friends coming through the door in a glance. 

"Why, Lillers, I'm hurt. You don't want me here?" Why was he suddenly talking to me? He only knows me because of James. And he hadn't tried anything yet. I was getting nervous. Narrowing my eyes at him, I shot back:

"No, I don't, but that's all right, because I'm leaving anyway." And I grabbed my bag and headed for the library. I didn't want to be stuck there with James too. Honestly, can't people see it? I just want to be left alone. Completely alone. 

~*~

Some time later that night, I sat on the window seat in the Astronomy Tower, knees to my chest, staring out at the Hogwarts grounds. It was late, past curfew, but I didn't care. I couldn't sleep, and this just seemed like the right place to go. The late April sky is lovely here, and the stars are bright and beautiful. The window is huge; I can see nearly everything from the lake to the Forbidden Forest to the Whomping Willow. It looked peaceful. 

Two months until graduation. Only two months. The mere though of leaving Hogwarts was enough to make me feel sick. This old school had been like a second home to me, and now it was my only one. Where would I go once I had left? Since my parents' death, I'd been staying with one of my mom's old friends, but I couldn't go back there. And Petunia wasn't even an option. She was engaged to a man named Vernon, and he was just as loathsome as she was. I would have to get a job and support myself, find my own place to live. A job at the ministry? It sounds rather boring.... Maybe I should ask a professor. Ah, yes, I can see it now. "There are so many opportunities for you, Lily! You're such an intelligent girl! And there hasn't been one head girl yet who didn't manage to get a respectable occupancy. Why, you could become a journalist for _The Daily Prophet_, or work at St. Mungo's, or enter the Ministry, or anything you'd like! Of course, you need to communicate with people in order to get a job. Do you think you could do something other than nodding and shaking you head?" McGonagall would say. I'd shrug my shoulders and she'd sigh all dramatically. 

Maybe I could work in the muggle world. I snorted. No. No way had I done seven years of Hogwarts, spent all that money on magic utilities, and gotten my sister to hate me and my parents murdered all to give it up. My parent's wouldn't want that either....

My parents. You know, if I had never accepted that letter to Hogwarts, they would still be alive. I'd be living happily with them and Petunia wouldn't hate me and everything would be fine. But they were so happy, so proud of me for being accepted into Hogwarts.... They loved the idea of their daughter, their very own daughter, learning magic. I wouldn't have been able to say no to Hogwarts. Not even if I had wanted to. 

I wish they were still alive, though. They'd be delighted to know I'm head girl. Mum always made me feel special, like I stood out from everyone else because I belonged to her. I liked belonging to her. And Dad was always so thrilled to hear anything about the magic world. They loved me. I'll never forget that. 

Petunia used to love me, I think. I remember, once, we played dress up together, and we raided Mum's make-up and closet. Mum had a field day, trying to gather her things again, because Petunia and I had dragged them all over the house. Dad just sat back and laughed. A lot. 

But I can't remember ever having fun with Petunia after that. She's four years older than me, and we were already growing apart because of the age gap. Then the letter came. Petunia didn't know what to think at first, but I imagine that after seeing my parents so excited for me, she got jealous. Besides, Petunia never liked anything that wasn't routine and orderly. She hated spur-of-the-moment things and spontaneous decisions. Normalcy was the sanity of her little world, and God help her if she'd let me change that. 

Weren't my friends supposed to be here for me? Weren't they? Tori, Alyssa, Mandy, Pamela... they were supposed to be my best friends. They were supposed to put their arms around me and pat my hair and tell me how everything would be okay, how they were there for me, and how we'd all be friends forever. Apparently they sort of missed the best-friend training part of life. 

Ross Macmillan. My ex-boyfriend. I didn't really care for him. He was nice enough, I suppose.... In truth, I was rather glad to be rid of him. It's not like I was planning on spending the rest of my life with the twit. Still, I was feeling a little peeved when his _friend_ dumped me. I wouldn't have been mad at him for ending the relationship. I wouldn't have cared if he had cheated on me. But the least he could do was tell me for himself... honestly, pathetic.... 

I looked scornfully at the moon. It was half-full, and I could see the reflection in the lake. It was beautiful. Mysterious. Lonely, even with all the stars surrounding it. There are millions of stars. Only one moon. No other like it. No other to complete it. No other to care for it. 

I really must stop this self-pitying. There are others who are worse off. I am head girl, after all. That guarantees a stable job at nearly any place I choose. 

A mean little voice rang out in my head. _Who cares if you have a job? You could be the Minister of Magic and no one would turn a head. You have no family to congratulate you, to hug you and love you. You have no friends to laugh with and share with. _The nasty voice continued. _You don't even have one idiotic little boyfriend to convince you to skip class and go snog somewhere. Face it, Lily Evans. You're completely, totally, one-hundred-percent alone, and you always will be. No one will ever notice you and love you. No one. Never. Forget---_

Maybe I don't need anyone to care for me, I shot back. That's just fine with me. I don't need anyone at all. All the better for me. I won't have anyone to worry about. 

I wiped away a rebel tear. Lily Evans does not cry over loneliness. 

"Lily?" came a voice, barely above a whisper. I whipped my head to the doorway. James. Damn. What the hell was he doing here? Why was I suddenly running into these Marauders? "Are you all right?" 

Great. Bloody great. Now I've got one _more_ person wondering for my mental stability. Marvelous. 

"Just spiffy, James," I replied tartly, standing up. "What are you doing here?" 

"I came to retrieve my Astronomy book," he said quietly, still searching my face. 

"At one in the morning?" I asked smartly. He blinked and began to stutter a bit. Good. He was distracted. 

"I... uh... well, I actually had..." 

"James, was there something in the Astronomy Tower that you and your mates needed for a new prank of yours? Because I'd really appreciate it if you'd take whatever it is and go." James blinked again and stared at me. Then, shrugging, he goes: 

"Actually, I was supposed to hex a few telescopes. Slytherins use them first. But what are you doing here? Are you all right?"

"That's the second time tonight you've asked me that. I didn't know you cared," I retorted, sweet sarcasm dripping like honey. If only he'd just leave and drop the subject.... James narrowed his eyes at me.

"Lily, what's wrong? Something's wrong..." Ten points to Mr. Obvious. 

"There's nothing wrong, James, so why don't you cast whatever little spell you came here to do and leave." Who was he trying to fool with the sentimental act? 

"Forget about that for a minute, all right?" He looked annoyed. "When I came in here, you were crying. Lily, I don't know why you're holding this back. It would help to get whatever it is out, and I know something's bothering you--" 

"Nothing's wrong!" I cut him off, seething. I was tired of his little "be the hero" stunt. "Damn you, James, since when do you care? It's none of your bloody business what I do or where I go or my reasons for anything! So don't get all noble with me and try to play the knight-in-shining-armor because I'm not some damsel-in-distress!" I ranted huffily, ending with a deep breath. James, by this time, was staring at me with a calculating look. I could see his warm brown eyes in the light of the moon, confused and contemplative. After a long silence, he spoke again. 

"You don't have to hurt like this." 

I glared at him, then turned around and walked away, out of the Astronomy Tower, and into the dark, abandoned hallway. 

~*~

Class ended and I nearly jumped out of my seat, making a beeline for the door. James had been shooting me these looks all during McGonagall's lecture. He'd tried to corner me once we were out of Charms Class, too. He'd been tailing me for three days... I could only escape him in my dorm, the bathroom, and occasionally the library if I kept within a safe distance of Madame Pince. The boy just wouldn't give up! What's his problem, anyway? It's not like he caught me with a knife to my throat! Haven't I made it clear that I just want to be left alone? 

__

Ah, but you don't really want _to be left alone_, said that same snide little voice that had cropped up two nights before. _You just can't help it that no one wants to be around you. You should run from James, he'd only meddle in things further, and besides, it's only his guilty conscience. He feels bad about letting you go the other night and wants to make sure you're not planning on poisoning yourself. _

It's not a very peachy thing when you have mean little voices in your head telling you what a sorry person you are. 

~*~ 

Saturday. I've always liked Saturdays. No class. Freedom. Plenty of things for other people to do so that they won't be badgering me about things I'd rather not talk about. An added bonus would be a Hogsmeade weekend, where there would be even less people around to bother me. 

I stared at the lake. The sky promised rain today, and the grayness was reflecting in the waters. I was perfectly alone, left on the rock near the lake to contemplate life's meaning and figure out why the grass was green. I was perfectly content to stare at that lake for the entire day, with no James to pester me. 

He was a strange one, that James Potter. He'd never shown any interest in me before, but one night he finds me with one tear streaking down my cheek and suddenly it's like he's everywhere I turn. What can't he just let it be? Why does he pursue this? 

I sighed. I wasn't going to think about James. It was my day off, I was going to stare at the lake and... do nothing. Perfect. That's what everyone wants to do on their day off, isn't it? Stare at a lake.... 

"Why aren't you in Hogsmeade?" Bloody hell. Does he ever quit? I stood up and turned around slowly, knowing full well that it was James. He was standing barely three feet away from the rock I had been sitting on. I wondered why I hadn't heard him come up.

"I could ask you the same thing. Are you going to stalk me for the rest of the year too?" I glared at him. He gave me a half-smirk. 

"Of course. I'm obsessed with you, haven't you noticed? Each night I come into your room just to watch you sleep." 

"You need help." 

"I knew that." 

I rolled my eyes. Then he got serious. 

"Lily, what are you hiding?" he asked me, looking at me like he was trying to read into me. Yes, it's nice to see you too, Mr. King-of-the-Blunt. 

"Isn't it about time you got over that? James, I really don't understand you. You've barely noticed me for six years. What's with the turn around?" James looked scandalized.

"I noticed you," he defends himself. "We just never really talked, that's all!" 

"Yes, so why start talking now?" I challenged. "Why are you suddenly so eager to speak with me, James?" He didn't seem to be expecting that. He paused, and a confused look passed his face. 

"I... don't know...." Brilliant. Head boy, and he doesn't know what he's been stalking me for. Just brilliant. 

"You don't know. Well, that's lovely. If you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone." I turned my head back towards the lake, pointedly ignoring James. He didn't seem to take the hints, because the next thing he did was step up beside me. I waited for his interrogation to begin again. 

"What are you planning on doing after Hogwarts?" he asked, surprising me. I blinked. 

"I don't know yet." I smiled ruefully. "I might enter the Ministry. I really don't know. You?" He grinned. 

"Auror. Fighting for the Light Side." The smile dropped off my face. I didn't want to hear about the Light Side. I didn't want to hear about the Dark Side, either. I didn't want to hear about Voldemort and what he was doing to other families right now. 

James obviously noticed my subdued manner. Touching my arm, he said: "Lily? What is it? Please tell me. I know we've never had a real conversation before, but---"

"It's nothing." I shrugged his hand off. He sighed. 

"You know, my father died fighting for the Light Side," he said after a moment. I started, staring at him. What was this? Some new psychology he was trying out? Why was he telling me this? "Back in fourth year. It's been just me and my mom since then." 

He was being serious. I didn't know what to do. Should I say I was sorry for what had happened? I glanced at him. He didn't look like he was about to burst into tears. He just looked... sad. Regretful, even. 

Then it happened. I don't know why, but it did. I just told him everything. Everything from my parents being murdered to Petunia hating me to being discarded by my friends. I even went ahead and told him about Ross. Maybe he'd bewitched my brain or something, and that's why I was pouring out my life's story to him.

"...And so now, I don't have anywhere to go after Hogwarts, and no one to be there to take me in. My parents were innocent. I never had the chance to tell them goodbye, or say how much I loved them. And I'll never have that chance. I don't know what I'll do. Find a job, I suppose, and then..." I shrugged, "see if I can try and go one day without blaming myself for their death..." 

I had been ranting and rambling for who knows how long. I'd forgotten I was talking to James, and that he was probably ready to throw himself in the lake for all the boredom he was suffering from. I looked at him, suddenly remembering that he was still there. 

He didn't really look bored, though. His brows were knitted together, and he actually had a very solemn expression, like he was really--- My God, had he been listening to me?! Had he actually been listening to something that little ordinary Lily Evans said?! ....Is anyone else here cold? I think hell just froze over. 

He blinked at me. "You know, you have a lot of secrets. Don't you tell anyone?" He wasn't really speaking lightly; his voice held what sounded to me a lot like... concern. I swallowed. 

"No. I prefer to keep them to myself, so that I don't have a bunch of people knowing and pitying and bringing it up and talking about it." James nodded thoughtfully.

"You really shouldn't, you know. Keeping all that inside yourself. It's not very healthy." Fire burned up inside me. Furious, I jumped up from the rock we were sitting on (at one point we had perched back on that rock) and spun around to face him fully. 

"You're really something, you know that? You and this whole bloody school! 'Oh, Lily, what's wrong dear? You're awful quiet.' 'Lily, it's not very healthy to keep this all inside you.' Dammit, James, you know how much I _hate _hearing that?! There is nothing _wrong_ with me! It's not as if I'm about to jump into the lake and drown myself!" I just let loose on him. But he really had it coming. All that following me around, and now even _he_ was telling me that I was messed up. As if the _voices_ weren't enough.... 

"Would you mind moving away from the lake, then?" he asked after a moment filled with my huffing and glaring. I let out an angry noise, threw my hands in the air in exasperation, and began to stomp away from the lake. James sprang up and grabbed my wrist. 

"Lily, Lily I was just joking!" He gave a good-natured laugh. I stopped and yanked my wrist from him, turning around once more, stone-faced, arms crossed. 

"There is nothing wrong with me, James. Things have happened that have made me close up, and that's none of your business. I don't even know why I told you what I did." He wasn't laughing now. "I've never wanted to tell anyone. I saw no reason. No one came to me when I began to drift away. I didn't think they wanted to hear what I had to say." 

I turned away from him and glared at the trees beyond the lake. There. I'd said it. Said what I'd thought all along. Was I supposed to feel better about having it out in the open? I didn't. Not one bit. And I regretted ever having told him anything.... 

Suddenly, I felt something on my shoulders... James! What was he doing? He was pulling at my shoulders like he--- Oh my God. He's hugging me. I'm being hugged. An actual human being is hugging me. It had been so long since I'd been hugged.... It felt good. Especially by James. He pulled me closer and hugged me tightly. 

"I love listening to you." 

That's what he said. That's what he whispered into my hair. I would've asked him if he was talking to my hair or me, but I didn't think it was worth ruining the moment. But I couldn't ignore the chill it sent up my spine. 

Wait. Yes I could. I could ignore anything, especially one little chill sent by James Potter. 

I didn't pull away though. I rather liked it in his arms. 

After a while, he eased me off him, wiping away a tear along the way. Wait, I was crying? Since when?! I don't cry! I haven't cried since my parents died. What was I crying for? I swallowed heavily. James smiled at me. I smiled too. It had been a while since I'd smiled. But I liked it. Then the rain started to fall. Not hard, but not lightly, either. It was a regular April shower. James and I were getting drenched. 

We didn't care. 

We just turned around and looked at the lake, his arm around my shoulders. 

And we smiled. 

~*~

A/N: Um... so... how did I do? My very first l/j fic.... I hope it wasn't too horrible.... please don't smite me.... 


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